Friday, April 18, 2014

There's Lots I Don't Know

I gaze at the triangular conference call thing on the table. No one’s on the line. Or is someone on the line? Maybe someone’s on the line but they’re on mute. Or someone’s on the line and they’re silent. Or no one’s on the line. The team is seated around the table as the account supervisor holds forth, reviewing the project work plan.

I see it says 12 volts DC just above where the power cord is plugged in. It really says “12VDC” but I’m pretty sure that means 12 volts DC. Direct current. As opposed to alternating current. But I’m not completely sure. I’m not completely sure about the V and I’m not completely sure about the DC. I’m only sure about the 12.

The power adapter. What does that mean, adapter? Adapt to what?

I don’t even know what the fuck a volt is. Volts. Voltage. I know there’s such a thing as a nine-volt battery. Why is that the only battery we know by its voltage? The others are A, B, C, D, whatever. No. Not A. Double-A. Triple-A. Like baseball. Like minor-league baseball. For some reason, the system for identifying certain batteries that are suitable for smoke detectors and remote controls and other small appliances is the same system that is used to designate the lower rungs of professional baseball.

What the fuck is the voltage of a double-A battery? If it’s nine, I’m throwing up my hands.

Maybe every battery has to be nine volts but only one of them gets to be called that. I don’t know. How the fuck would I know?

The lights dim and flicker in our apartment when you turn the toaster on. You Google something like that, it says you might not be getting enough voltage. How could something like that be happening? Where the fuck did the missing volts go?

There’s electricity coursing through our bodies all the time. I’m pretty sure I read about that somewhere, or saw it on TV. We are electric beings. We touch things and some of our electricity goes there. Someone touches us. Their electricity flows into us. Electrons flying up and down the lengths of our arms at almost the speed of light. I’m pretty sure electrons travel close to the speed of light. But I may be completely wrong.

What the fuck is a watt? That’s something else to do with electricity. You talk about volts, you talk about watts. But fuck if I know.