Wednesday, May 26, 2010

The Streak - 86

There's a ring of matching flatscreens radiating from the top of the circular bar. All-Star preamble, interviews of skippers and players. Legends of the Game. I wonder if I'll see Sugar.

Suddenly there's a breaking report from Fox News. Over the ululations of the slot machines the talking head says there's news about Moo. Their spokesman, a dapper man in his forties, Western-dressed, is shown at a podium, reading a statement to the press.

"The second phase of our jihad is now underway. At this hour, yet another icon of blasphemous materialism is being spirited away under the very noses of all you heedless heathens, too busy consuming pornography and jalapeño poppers to realize the walls of your Satanic kingdom are falling. Also, it is our humble wish to take responsibility for the recent plane accident in the Bronx of New York City. That is all. I will now accept a limited number of yes or no questions."

"Is it a man?" someone shouts.

"The personage we have in mind is indeed a man."

"Is he a movie star?"

"He is not. Next?"

"Is he a politician?" asks another.

"He is not a politician."

"Is he the host of a late-night talk show?" somebody ventures.

"He is not."

"Is he gay or straight?"

"Yes or no, please. Yes or no."

"Sorry. Is he gay?"

"We do not believe our target is a homosexual."

"Is he rich?"

"He is rich in worldly wealth and a pauper in spirit."

"Is he Bobby Flay?"

"Bobby Flay is not on the table right now."

"Is he a businessman?"

"Not by trade."

"Is he an entertainer?"

"It might be said that his inane antics are entertaining to some."

"Is he Carrot Top?"

"I am not familiar with a Mr. Top."

"Is that a no?"

"That is a no. And that counts as a question."

"Damn! Is he a writer?"

"He is no man of letters."

"So he's an athlete?"

"He is indeed an athlete."

"Does he play team sports?"

"Yes."

"Team sports with a ball?"

"That is correct."

"Is he Peyton Manning?" asks a reporter anxiously.

"He is not Peyton Manning."

"Eli?"

"Nor is he Eli."

"Does he play baseball?"

"He does indeed play baseball."

"Does he play for the Yankees?"

"Yes. He plays for the Yankees."

"Is he Kyle Boyce?"

"He is not Mr. Boyce."

"Is he Evan Benjaminson?"

"That is my limit for questions at this time. Thank you all for coming. Allahu Akbar!"

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